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Pope Benedict XVI

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13th March 2013

6:36pm: Good luck unclogging the toilet.

23rd September 2005

1:41am: Greetings.

First, stop complaining that your Shepherd has not been spreading God's word through the internet. If you were really devout, you'd know it all yourself, so get cracking.

Secondly, I have gotten word that there have been a lot of prayers directed towards the Southern United States in regards to the recent and upcoming hurricane. I want to reassure you that God isn't necessarily mad, despite all those problems you have with crime and liberal thinking, but why would He spare you? There is no holy city in North America and no important religious events took place there.

Mormons: Don't bother arguing. Seeing as how God knows all, don't you think there would be more of a "gold plate" furor in upstate New York? You're contributing to the weather problem.

Finally, I'm considering releasing some trading cards to get some face time. Since JPII, the papal business has dropped, and I think that having the holy visage next to one's Mikey Mantle or Baby Ruth card would remind one to be a better person and tithe some more. God doesn't believe in material goods, so it's not like He's helping us out, and we need a new refrigerator. Warm sauerkraut can make even the happiest bishop whine and moan about the living conditions here, and I'm sick of it.

Get praying.

Benedict XVI

19th July 2005

7:51pm: The Nazi thing...

I've gotten a lot of questions from you laymen about my membership in a certain Nazi organization back in the day. We could get into a deep discussion of the socio-political climate of the time, but that just makes it seem like I have no spine. I do have a spine, and anyone who doubts that will be excommunicated. You must also realize that a Mauser rifle was being held against that spine.

Despite the friendly, boy-scout name, the Hitler Youth was not a Sunday picnic. There was a lot of drudgery, marching, barking back orders, dry, flavorless food, exhaustion, mental breakdowns, and stepping on puppies. Actually, that sounds like every Sunday picnic I've ever been on. But I digress.

The puppies, keep in mind, were made to represent the capitalist and communist ideologies of the day. The act was gruesome, but I can't help but enjoy the thrill of power and command, and the ability to crush those weaker than me. Perhaps that's why it was such an idyllic time, to be alive in Germany in the 30s. The camaraderie of singing songs promising greatness, the exhileration of seeing a new flag among the world powers, and the feeling that the world was our oyster; those feelings and emotions are why that era is looked upon with such fondness, by me at least.

Perhaps that makes it fitting that I am now in command of the Catholic empire. What we lack in military might we make up for in the legions of Angels and Saints, and don't forget that rapture thing. If things get sticky down here, I can always hit that big red button and start the final judgement.

Get praying.

Benedict XVI

25th June 2005

1:01am: Greetings.

Mass will be Sunday, bring a friend. Our attendance numbers are down since JPII bit the dust, and those turnstiles don't turn themselves. I offer everything he could, but I'm sensible about it. For instance, he wanted new air conditioning in here. It was nice and cool, but our energy costs went through the roof, and Jesus doesn't pay the bills. So now I have set the thermostat at a comfortable 85 degrees. The human body is 98.6, so you would think the cardinals would complain less about it.

I personally think they're jealous of my logic and power. And that is why I should be revered as the best Pope ever.

Benedict XVI

18th June 2005

5:46pm: Greetings.

As Pope, I get to name saints on a whim. Yes, there are parameters for the namings, but I'm allowed to make things up as I see fit. See, the Pope is infallible. If you don't believe that making a pig into a ham sandwich is a miracle, you've been blinded by sin.

However, all this talk about making John Paul II a saint sickens me. First, people should focus more on what the current Pope mandates as law, because I'm God's shepherd on Earth. I'm in charge now, he's dead. Second, what miracles did he perform? Was it a miracle that he got shot? I don't think so.

So now there's all this pressure on me to make him a saint, and frankly, that cheeses me off. It shouldn't be the duty of the current Pope to further beatify someone who already gets too much undeserved attention. I'm Pope Benedict, not Pope Forgotten.

I'm going to go pray now and see what God has to say about letting him into the already-crowded Saint Room.

Benedict XVI
Current Mood: annoyed

15th June 2005

11:35pm: Welcome

The college of Cardinals has been urging me to get on this internet because my predecessor was so popular. I'm not so much a fan of the internet. All the flashing buttons are very confusing, and I have not received my check in the mail for $1 million yet. You say "you made a vow of poverty," I say "what better place to give money than the church." It's a noble cause, so don't question it. I have a stack of excommunication slips and an itchy excommunication finger to fill them out. Heathens, watch your back.

But for the curious, being the Pope has been rather exciting, but I don't get very much alone time with God anymore. We used to talk a lot, but now it's all business. Pray this, forgive that, stop making that bishop cry. I don't like this new business relationship.

I think the crowds are getting to me too. So many people want to be blessed, but the majority of them are completely unfit for a blessing, so I just make up some garbage of "God blesses all of you, scram." I don't understand how JP II (rest his soul) ever put up with crowds twice this size. There's so much pressure to say something good when I can access all of your sins and realize it's all for naught.

Ok, enough of this. This holy water won't bless itself, and at $15 a bottle, it better bring us some better blinds. Too bright in here.

Benedict XVI
Current Mood: cranky
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