The college of Cardinals has been urging me to get on this internet because my predecessor was so popular. I'm not so much a fan of the internet. All the flashing buttons are very confusing, and I have not received my check in the mail for $1 million yet. You say "you made a vow of poverty," I say "what better place to give money than the church." It's a noble cause, so don't question it. I have a stack of excommunication slips and an itchy excommunication finger to fill them out. Heathens, watch your back.
But for the curious, being the Pope has been rather exciting, but I don't get very much alone time with God anymore. We used to talk a lot, but now it's all business. Pray this, forgive that, stop making that bishop cry. I don't like this new business relationship.
I think the crowds are getting to me too. So many people want to be blessed, but the majority of them are completely unfit for a blessing, so I just make up some garbage of "God blesses all of you, scram." I don't understand how JP II (rest his soul) ever put up with crowds twice this size. There's so much pressure to say something good when I can access all of your sins and realize it's all for naught.
Ok, enough of this. This holy water won't bless itself, and at $15 a bottle, it better bring us some better blinds. Too bright in here.